Wow. For some reason I thought I was going to really enjoy Gentlemen Broncos. I thought the Totally Rad Show guys dug it (hopefully I got it mixed up with another movie) and I usually like movies about the act of writing but this flick by the Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre writer/director team didn’t just leave me cold, but so annoyed I had to turn it off. I know a lot of people dislike Napoleon and I get it. It’s a weird movie that got overhyped, but as I saw it before it got so hyped, I like it. The weirdness didn’t bother me and didn’t seem as pervasive as in Broncsos. I also hated Nacho Libre for what it’s worth, so I’m probably not going to waste my time on their movies anymore.

Anyway, the plot of GB is that a home-schooled kid goes to a writing workshop where this big time science fiction writer is teaching some classes. Turns out, though, that the writer has lost his spark and is about to get bounced from his publisher, so he steals the kid’s manuscript which was submitted for a manuscript contest. Also, the sci-fi story is told we actually get shown a movie of that. Doesn’t sound so bad right? Well it’s not a bad plot, the problem here is in the details.

Every single character in this movie is weird. Or annoying. Or just doesn’t act like a normal person. The main kid meets this girl who asks her friend to pour lotion on her hand, then she asks the main kid for a hand massage which her awkwardly does. Then, her other friends makes strange sounds and chewing sounds in her ear. What? The girl’s friend is pretty awful to watch, like an alien trying to act human but fooling no one. But, the worst offender is the author. Sweet Jesus. He’s written way over the top, then performed even MORE over the top. Picture any pretensions professor you’ve ever had, add the worst conceited author voice and go from there. Aside from being a walking bag of douche, the author also doesn’t seem to have even a modicum of talent either when explaining how to name characters to the kids or re-writing the main kid’s story. Sweet merciful crap, the sci-fi story is STUPID. Just dumb nonsense, and yet we’re supposed to accept that this story is not only good, but so good it can be stolen by the best sci-fi writer around. Just attrocious.

After sitting through 30-45 minutes of the 90 minute movie I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to turn this ball of weirdness off. I’m not a fan of super awkward or weird-for-weird sake comedy, so maybe this movie isn’t made for me (even though the plot is clearly in my wheelhouse). It seems like the writers got together and tried very hard to make sure that every aspect of this movie was odd or strange. The main kid works for a moo moo store or something. His mom finds some dude who looks like a refugee from a white 70s funk band to be his “guardian angel.” That man teaches the kid how to shoot blow darts, which he accidentally hits his mom with. But don’t worry, it’s just a non surgical bra implant! How WACKY. Ugh.

So, avoid this one at all costs unless you saw Napoleon Dynamite and thought, “I wonder what the weirder cousins of these people are doing right now?”