Train-ing Video/Halloween Scene: Suburban Sasquatch (2004)

Wow, seriously you guys, you need to watch Suburban Sasquatch. It’s the best example of a “so bad it’s good” movie that I’ve seen in years, which is saying something because I’ve seen a lot of crap. I can’t remember where I first heard about this flick, which seems to have been made by someone who has never even thought about making a movie before, but reading the Horror Movie a Day review made me put it on the top of my queue. Seriously, hop on over and read BC’s review, then come on back.

So, yeah, this is one of the best worst movies I’ve ever seen. It’s even worse than Troll 2 in my opinion, so that’s saying something. Like BC says, it’s full of repetitive storytelling, bad acting, nonsensical back story and the worst CG effects I’ve ever seen. In addition to the birds and net BC mentions (which, when it’s first thrown on to the Sasquatch, only just barely covers his head, yet when they cut to a long shot, it’s huge and CG), you also get treated to arrows that triple their thickness as soon as they’re about to be shot, blood sprays that look like something from Machine Girl and limbs that go from being torn off to magically reappearing.

But, even with such terrible effects, you can’t help but find this movie inadvertently charming. I’ve seen some reviews where people think this was all done tongue-in-cheek, but I completely disagree. I don’t get the feeling that anyone’s holding back laughter or trying to make this thing worse than it was written. There seems to have been a definite idea behind the film and writer/director/etc. Dave Wascavage refused to deviate regardless of the obstacle.

For instance, there’s a scene where Sasquatch lifts up a police car and throws it. Now, if I had written a movie and decided to make it myself on the cheap, I’d probably cut that scene up because I know I couldn’t make that look good. Dave disagrees with me on this fundamental view point it would seem as Sasquatch “lifts” what is clearly a two dimensional freeze of the car and tosses it (he does the same thing with a log at another point in the film which also looks bad). The scene adds nothing but hilarity to the movie, so I guess I can’t fault him for that (wait, yeah I can).

There’s also a ridiculous back story with one of the two cops in the movie. See, he seems to be covering things up, but we don’t know why until he reveals that a Sasquatch killed his fiance/wife/whatever on the other side of the country (we’re finally told the movie takes place in a town in Pennsylvania after a hilariously long list of geographical references that get more and more specific). So, wouldn’t you want to do everything you could to kill the monster that killed your lady (really, Sasquatch just carried her off)? Instead he does nothing, but lets his partner call in a hillbilly goon squad that makes the dudes in Dawn of the Dead look like super soldiers (you’ve gotta check out the dude with the curly hair wig, he’s awesome).

Speaking of awesome, the two leads aren’t, though the girl who plays Talla, the down-with-nature chick is very attractive. Rick is our supposed hero, though he just comes off as a whiny, nervous guy who “gets it” a little too late to save him from just coming off completely annoying. Dude, you’re dealing with a teleporting Sasquatch who has taken repeated arrows to the chest causing geysers of blood, there’s greater forces in the world than just you. Also, pay attention in his first scene with the cops, Rick never stops swaying. It’s kind of creepy.

Jeez, there is so much to talk about with this movie, but I’ll try and just mention two more things. Remember how I mentioned the poor film making? Well, even I know that there’s this thing called the 180 degree rule. I started typing what this means, but confused myself, so, if you’re not familiar with it, check this video out:

Suburban Sasquatch breaks this rule like crazy. There’s a scene where Rick is standing, talking to Talla who is sitting outside of her modern day tent (which is funny in and of itself). But the way it’s shot and edited together, both characters are looking to their right, so Rick is looking down/right at Talla while Talla is looking vaguely up and to her right, so it ends up looking like she’s trying her damndest to avoid eye contact. It’s awesome.

But, my all-time favorite part of the movie comes pretty early on when Sasquatch comes across two dudes fishing on a river (one of whom is a magical litterer, he throws a beer can in the river, then it dissapears seconds later). Sasquatch attacks the litterer and then throws the dudes arm at the other guy with such a force that it sends him flying into the water, seemingly killing him. The movie as a whole seems to be trying to have both an environmental and religious/spiritual message, but both are conveyed so poorly it’s hard to tell.

Okay, so, you definitely need to watch this movie. I watched it on an 8-inch screen on the train and it lost none of it’s “luster.” In fact, I had to stop myself from laughing like a madman several times, though maybe if I hadn’t, I would have gotten a seat to myself. Still not convinced? Here’s a few clips I found on YouTube:

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