I know this blog is free and all, but it would be great if you could pick up the last few issues of ToyFare, specifically 133, 134 and the upcoming 135. Not so much because it puts any more money in my pocked (it doesn’t), but just so you too can enjoy what has turned out to be my personal favorite Twisted ToyFare Theatre of all time. For those of you that don’t know what that is (mostly those of you who I know from my life pre-Wizard), Twisted ToyFare Theatre is this section in the mag where we pose action figures in funny poses and give them word balloons. For the past three issues, we’ve been working on this Manly Movie Men parody that takes shots at all kinds of 80s action stars. Of course, I didn’t really realize how good of a job we were doing until I watched Commando last night
To be honest I was pretty blown away by this flick. Not because it was great, or even all that good, but by the shear volume of quips that Arnold throws around. The basic plot involves some guy kidnapped Arnold’s daughter (Alyssa Milano). The guy wants Arnold to do something for him in some Latin country that’s actually fake, but Arnold gets away, hunts the bastards down and gets his daughter back, all the while gaining a stewardess co hort (Rae Dawn Chong).
I highly recommend checking Commando out, if for no other reason than to see Arnold in his prime just killing dudes left and right. There’s a scene where Arnold’s on a plane supposedly on his way to the Latin country. He sits down in first class with this who who he punches in the face and then BREAKS HIS NECK ON THE PLANE. The best part? No one around them even notices. He then sneaks out through the wheel well and jumps from the ascending plane into a marsh. From there, it’s all killing and bad jokes thanks to screenwriter Jeph Loeb (he writes a few of the comics in Wizard’s Top 10, plus Teen Wolf and Heroes).
And boy does he kill dudes. All kinds of dudes. Short dudes, tall dudes. The second guy he kills is actually one of my favorite character actors of all time David Patrick Kelly who played the dude in The Warrios who says “Waaaaaariors, come out at plaaaaaaaaaaay.” He also played Jerry on Twin Peaks which I still need to finish.
The only real drawback to the movie is Rae Dawn Chong. She overacts her way through half her scenes and then makes terrible jokes through the other half. Basically, she’s pointless except for the fact that they wanted some tail in the movie.
Overall, this is a great “dude put in a crazy situation and DEALS with it” movie. I was seriously worried that Arnold wouldn’t get off the plane int he plane scene. There’s even this great scene where you see Arnold watching a stewardess close the door and you’re trying to figure out how he’s going to get out. Additionally, these really are some of the best/worst quips in the game. My personal favorite is after killing the dude on the plane he tells the stewardess not to bother him because “he’s dead tired.” Oh, and at the end when he kills the main bad guy with steam pipe he says something along the lines of “It’s time you let off some steam.” Just imagine that in Arnold’s voice. It’s GREAT!
But seriously, I do enjoy these kinds of movies where the main character is just so single-minded and you literally can’t stop you. He’ll even storm the mansion from Beverly Hills Cop to get his daughter. He’s an unstoppable killing force and it’s a shame he can’t become the president of these great United States.