Tonight’s episode of Real World focused on two things and only three cast members. Everyone else barely had an effect, said a few things here and there and all went to one of the most obvious examples of product/restaurant placement when, while Mike and Ashley had a fight, they all went to Subway and we heard exactly what they were ordering. Oy.

The main thrust of the episode involved this guy trying to get laid.

Yes, he’s a huge nerd who thinks he can walk up to any girl, whisper in her ear and have sex with her immediately afterward. He also still may be a virgin, which wouldn’t be a big deal, but he talks about his sex life as if he’s doing a bad stand-up routine. He’s incredibly painful to watch and not always in an “Aww look at him” way, but a “whoa slick, two more steps and that’s sexual assault” way. Seriously, the thrust of tonight’s episode involved him dating a lovely girl who wouldn’t have sex with her after three dates. Can you believe it! Bro, this isn’t Jersey Shore and you are not The Situation.Also, poking her with your boner all night while she sleeps in your bed is not a good way to go. It’s not like she’s going to wake up after turning down your awkward sexual advances all day and be like “Oh God, if feels so good jammed into my thigh, put it in me now!!!”

The girls in the house come up with a multi-phase plan to try and get him to be less of a huge creepazoid. Why they want to help him, I have no idea. That could lead to reproduction and God help us all if that happens. Maybe they just don’t want to be embarrassed by him when they go to the club. Anyway, the four steps talked about on camera were thusly: Phase 1: appropriate forms of flattery. Phase 2: appropriate conversation tactics. Phase 3: no just grabbing a girl and throwing her on a bed or creepily whispering in her ear. Phase 4: teaching him to one0handedly take off a bra. The second funniest part of the episode was when Mike, the gay guy, tried to teach him. Dude kept doing it upside down!

The other big chunk of the episode was wasted on an ongoing argument between Mike and Ashley who started the episode attending church with one another. The negativity started when the whole group went out to a restaurant for dinner and these drunk guys started talking to them. Ashley immediately went into bitch mode (and as Em points out, she kind of has a bitch face on all the time) and yelled at the guys while Mike tried to make a conversation. See, Ashely has weird family issues and wants the roommates to all be her family and expects to be defended at the drop of a hat while Mike wants to be nice to everyone. This goes on and off throughout the whole episode when we’re not seeing Andrew strike out with ladies. It got really old, really fast, but they seemingly made up at the end, so hopefully we’re done with that, but I can only see more problems with Ashely in the future.

The funniest part of the episode came when the three straight guys decided to go to a bar that they got a gift certificate for in the mail. Once they got inside they noticed something was odd about the place when they saw that it was all dudes. And there were paintings of naked Greeks and Romans wrestling. And the name of the bar said Nellie’s Gay Sports Bar. Almost immediately a few dudes, rolled up on their table and started hitting on them, one guy specifically was extra affectionate, going to far as to kiss Andrew on the neck a few times. I wonder if it was completely lost on him what it’s like to have someone’s awkward sexual advances make him uncomfortable. I’m guessing so. Anyway, they finished up and left, but the kisser guy started following them down the street like a drunken Michael Myers. It was hilarious.