Halloween Scene: Monster High (1989)

You can’t realistically have very high hopes when going into a movie like Monster High, especially if you’ve seen the VHS cover (left), as opposed to the DVD cover which tries to make the movie look serious. One thing you should know going into Monster High is that there’s not a serious bone in it’s celluloid body. The writers and director tried to pack so many jokes into this movie that it feels like they’re trying to make you drown with laughter. The problem is that, for the most part, the jokey jokes (the pothead’s name is O.D., there’s a sign about joining the anti club club and emphasizing any parts of words that could be even remotely sexual) inundate you so badly that the few good ones seem to get lost in the shuffle. It’s like listening to 90 minutes of knock knock jokes from a five year old with a few quality one-liners or sight gags thrown in.

Another problem with the movie is that there’s way too much narration. From what I can tell, the story is being told to the head of demons/monsters (on a very tiny disc by the way, not bad tech-guessing back in 89) about this one demon called Mr. Armageddon breaking out of his jail and causing trouble in a high school on Earth. He’s trying to bring about the end of the world, natch. The first 15 minutes or so have way too much narration explaining exactly what’s going on even when it’s incredibly obvious to everyone. It dies off eventually, but when a movie treats me like a lazy viewer, I tend to turn into one and don’t pay as much attention. However, that did give me a good chance to catch up on HorrorMovieADay.

I don’t think it’s a spoiler to say that the film–and the fate of the Earth–comes down to a basketball game between the unbeaten Demons (the high school dribblers) and the monsters, aliens and demons who have been killing kids off left, right and center throughout the movie. From left to right in the picture is Dume and Glume (or maybe I got that backwards, either way, they both sound like He-Man’s annoying magician friend Orko), the horny monster, the computer man and Mr. Armageddon. They’re joined by a student-turned-zombie as equipment manager and a red monster as a fan. And you thought Teen Wolf was ridiculous at the end. Even with all the murder and mayhem throughout the day (some of the red shirt kids who got slaughtered had to have been missed, right?) the gym is filled with people ready to watch the game.

So, yeah, the movie’s ridiculous and corny, but that works for a lot of horror fans. There’s a particularly graphic kill involving a computer (that must have eaten up a big chunk of the budget as PCs weren’t cheap back then) and there’s a good deal of bare breasts for those interested in such things. All in all, I’m not upset that I watched it, but I don’t think I’ll be revisiting this one again, though I do want to draw either a team photo of the bad guys’ team or a mash-up between them on other sci-fi/horror sports teams. That might be beyond my meager skills, but I’m gonna give it a shot.

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