Live Blogging Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra (1986)

It’s turning out to be quite the Sylvester Stallone week. As you know, I’m a big fan, plus I just watched his one (?) horror movie Eye See You earlier. Not wanting to let the party stop, I next put on Cobra, the 1986 action flick Stallone wrote the script for (based on a book) about a cop working the “zombie shift” who gets called in for dirty work. This time around he’s after a serial killer with a cult of axe-wielding maniacs backing him up and trying to keep Brigitte Nielsen safe. If the movie sounds a lot like Dirty Harry, it is, but it also stars two alumns from the first film: Andrew Robinson (who played the killer in DH) plays a pain-in-the-ass cop and Reni Santoni (Harry’s ill-fated partner) plays Cobra’s partner.

I actually put this flick on via Netflix Instant about a month ago, but got wrapped up in other stuff and lost track. Watching it again the second time around I hardly remembered anything, so I must have been really distracted.

This movie is incredibly over the top which makes it a lot of fun. From the axe-bangers and crazy people to Cobra’s odd eating habits and a pretty fantastic final showdown in a sleepy town, this movie’s got a lot to offer action fans who don’t take their flicks too seriously. Stallone doesn’t really embody the characteristics that I found so admirable in Cliffhanger or even Over The Top, but it’s a good fun flick.

I took surprisingly copious notes while watching the movie and figured I’d turn them into a live blog. If you’re interested in my play-by-play thoughts, hit the jump!Screenplay written by Stallone based on a novel.

Those dudes and clanging axes together. That’s…odd.

I know it’s dumb, but the combination of the red tint with the progressively louder clang of the axes and the strange camera angels got me kind of worked up. Then it cuts to a parking lot. Good build up.

This film stars two Dirty Harry alumns: Harry’s dead partner and Scorpio.

Whoa, that dude just rolls into a supermarket and start blowing people and things away with a shot gun, which makes things like grocery carts kind of explode. That must be some ammo. He’s part of the axe banging clan.

Call the Cobra. Damn, he gets there FAST. “Awsom 50” license plate on the car.

Haha, Cobra stops to sip a beer and the Pepsi display has Pepsi Free. I wonder if all this product placement was paid for.

“I’ll blow this whole place up.” “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.” Stallone’s delivery’s pretty bad so far.

“I don’t deal with psychos, I put them away.”

He even takes the time to twirl his gun (which has a cobra on it) after blowing the bad guy away but before checking on the supposed bomb the dude had.

So there’s a serial killer called the Night Slasher.

Why ddi he rip that latino dude’s wifebeater? Why does he put the newspaper inside the grill? Why does he save one slice of pizze in a small pizza box? Why does he cut one small piece of pizza off before cleaning his gun?

I like that he turns the TV on and sees a commercial (a holiday one for Toys R Us) and not news of the thing that just happened. Of course, after the commercial ends, we get the news report.

Why did the axe killers wait till the woman got into the car before attacking? Isn’t that more work? Or maybe it’s easier to get her. Can’t say I’m impressed with her self preservation skills considering she just freaked out and didn’t do anything.

Really? The cops can’t figure out that several different people attacked that lady? I know I’m no Bones, but that shit seems pretty obvious and fairly easy to figure out.

Haha, he’s on the “zombie squad.”

And another lady gets attacked, this time by three people, one of whom is a woman but they’re not wearing stocking masks.

So, the bad guys have at least one cop on their team.

Cobra gets clandestinely assigned to track the bad guy down.

Heh, the juxtaposition of more killings with Cobra and his partner talking to people and Brigitte Nielsen’s robot photoshoot is amazing with “Angel of the City” playing is amazing. What is happening?!

I really wish those robots would come to life.

So, Nielsen was the chick in the car and the axe squad went after her, killing the photographer and guard, but she gets away and ends up being interview by Cobra and his Partner.

The lady bad guy cop is either the mother or lover of Night Slasher, just like Maniac Cop.

Now they’re trying to attack Cobra in his house. Not smart goons. Gonzalez went to the station and now Brigitte’s all alone in the hospital where the Night Slasher is. Everyone’s okay…for now!

Now the evil lady cop is watching Nielsen. Not good.

Jesus, Monte needs a fucking fist to the face.

I generally get bored by most car chases now, but one where a car hits a traffic light after flying over hill is pretty rad.

More axe clanging!

We’ve got a “getting the weapons together” scene combined with a “the bad guys are coming on their bikes” scene.

Haha, after all the clicking and clacking of getting weapons ready they pan over to Neilsen who’s trying to sleep in the same room like 20 feet away!

They know the lady cop’s bad and the bad guys are coming. I can’t tell if the siren is supposed to be happening in the town or just the soundtrack.

Nielsen has no idea how to use a phone apparently.

Shit his partner got shot.

This is a pretty all out epic battle. Stallone’s in the back of a pick up just blasting away while Nielsen drives.

This seems like a lot of effort to get someone who didn’t really get a good look at the killer in the first place. Seems like cooler heads should have prevailed in the crazy axe wielding cult.

The Slasher dies in fire? While the lady cop’s still running around? Insanity! Oh, no, I think it was someone else. Yeah it was.

Ooh, the old “slammed onto a hook that then goes through several loops of fire death.” Yowch. No quip?!

I’m hoping there’s an explanation as to what the hell was going on. Who were those crazy people? We found out his partner survived.

Haha, after all that, they won’t replace is car? Jackasses.

PLEASE punch Monte in the face! Haha, YES! He was even wearing glasses! Excellent.

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