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Wow you guys, I am embarrassed with how much I liked MTV’s Jersey Shore (hence the Confessions tag). For whatever reason I was able to laugh my way through watching this self proclaimed Guidos and Guidettes (I swear, each one of them refers to themselves as one or the other) unlike say something like The Hills or NYC Prep which just make me angry. Sure, all three shows star overly priveleged assholes who think their shit don’t stink, but I guess it’s because these folks are at least kinda charming. After writing this whole thing up, I found out this is a two hour premiere, so hit the jump for the full-on craziness.

The basic premise is that these eight 20-somethings strangers of Italian decent (I’m guessing because of the whole Guido/Guidette thing, I missed some of the introductions) are all living in one house on the Jersey Shore for the summer. They all work for this dude who both owns the house and runs a T-shirt shop. I’ll be honest, with pretty much everyone thinking their hot shit alphas, I’m shocked that they got along as well as they did. Of course, one of the girls, who calls herself Snooki got pretty drunk and sad because she wasn’t the center of attention and then, after waking up while her roommates were all taking a walk, had all kinds of trouble with the duck phone in the house. Those five minutes alone are worth the hour it took to watch the show in my opinion. Real quick, MTV’s website got nearly all of the people on the show’s names wrong (either that or they’re wrong on the show, who knows).

For the fellas, some of the dudes called out to some girls walking by the house and got them to come up to hang out in their jacuzzi. Not having bathing suits, the ladies got in in just their underwear much to the chagrin of the female roommates (though, Snooki did the exact same thing the night before, so go figure). And, as you would expect the stranger girls take their clothes off in the tub and the roommate girls get pissed and yell at the guys.

But even that’s not the best part of the episode. In a Three’s Company-like misunderstanding, Snooki’s lying down in her bed while the other girls are yelling at the boys about the stranger girls and the stranger girls themselves as they try to find out why the guys aren’t following them back to their shore house. She thinks they’re still pissed at her for getting super drunk and being late for their first day of work (which is about 1 minute of actual footage, her showing up late and getting reprimanded by the bossman). This prompts her to start packing, telling us that she likes being the center of attention and she’s not, PLUS she hasn’t made friends with anyone (even though it’s night #2), so she might as well leave. Haha, she even says she really misses home even though it’s the third day. Amazingly ridiculous.

Oh jeez, just found out there’s going to be a second episode, so this will be a longer post than originally intended.

Then we got treated to their first day of work with Pauly and Angelina who actually said the following “I feel like this job is beneath me, I’m a bartender. So, I do great things.” She sucks at selling T-shirts, that’s a pretty bad indictment of her character (not surprised).

Gah, so much is happening. Sweetheart just convinced Snooki to stay even though she’s a big effing baby. It’s funny how these people are all immediately worried about this weird broad staying. Who cares?! She’s a stranger! I’d like to hope that all these sheltered kids will end up broke and alone, but that’s because I’m a bad person. I’m also jealous of how cut all the dudes are.

In another awesome scene, The Situation is at work at the T-shirt store and actually sold several pairs of panties with the words “I Love The Situation” pressed on them. Amazing. Even though I should hate his arrogance, he’s friggin hilarious. What’s even funnier to me is later one when the other roommates decide to go out and drop me the T-shirt shop and he’s genuinely upset that they’re going on without him and whoever’s working with him. It’s cool dude, I’m sure there will be plenty of times when you won’t all be going out together.

Meanwhile, while out at the club that night, JWOWW (her spelling, not mine) starts getting all up on Pauly even though she has a boyfriend. Now, not only does no one else in the house tell either of them they should cool it, but neither of them stop themselves from contributing to the downfall of yet another reality show relationship. So, at the end of the night Pauly shows JWOWW his pierced penis and Snooki brings a dude back to the house who gets so drunk he throws up on their patio (mind you, she referred to him as her friend even though they met that night and also got mad that he wasn’t paying her enough attention even though he was clearly messed up beyond belief. Oh yeah, Angelina made out with a dude too (maybe more). She then tries to call him several times the next day even though he told her he’s in a meeting.

Gah! So much craziness is happening I can barely keep up. While at the club the night before, Vinny danced with anyone who was around, including a woman more likely to appear on PeopleOfWalMart than Maxim.com. The next day he wakes up with what he swears is pink eye. Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s completely contagious. He goes to the doctor, who confirms that he does in fact have pink eye and yet tells him he can go out that night. I’m guessing this doctor does coke all day long and wants Vinny to give half of the shore pink eye so he can drum up some more business.

There are going to be so many unplanned pregnancies from this show. JWOWW got all up on Pauly and then left to go eat ham and drink water. Meanwhile, Sammi was dancing with Mike all night and then moved over to Ronnie, which caused all kinds of drama. Of course, this pissed Mike off big time, but Sammi was all like “I’m gonna do me, you do you.” She also called him a bitch.

At the end of the night the dudes kind of got into a fight. Some random dude pushed Vinny so Pauly full-on punched some dude in the face before the bouncers broke things up and they got kicked out. Mind you, the dude Pauly punched was actually being held around the shoulders by some other dude. Pauly even knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to break a nose, eight. But that didn’t stop the fellas from having a good time as they literally stopped int heir tracks, talked to three girls who were behind them and brought them back to the house.

Wow, so it finally ended and I’m sure there can only be more drama in the weeks to come. You know what I just realized? This means that there will be essentially two Real Worlds going on at the same time. There’s an upcoming Real World Washington, D.C. and then this. I’m guessing that Jersey Shore will have more fights, hook-ups and arrests than Real World. Anyone want to take that bet?

For more Jersey Shore goodness, just click on the “Jersey Shore ” category link there for all my other posts (or click this link). Also, come back on a weekly basis for brand new content!