Jersey Housewives “The Heads Of Family Will Roll”

Well, here we are, the big season finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey which will feature the supposed final showdown between Caroline and Danielle. Expect a ridiculous amount of drama including Danielle overreacting and bringing a gang of armed criminals to dinner. I’m guessing by the end of this episode–or the upcoming reunions–we’ll know if Danielle’s really off the show or not. Hit the jump for the full live blog!10:02pm – That was the longest recap EVER!

It’s another opener over at Teresa and Joe’s house. Looks like the Manzos are coming over for dinner along with Jacqueline and Chris.

10:004pm – Caroline asks about how Ashley’s doing. Jacqueline says that Ashley’s lawyer formally asked Danielle if she would drop the charges and she said to press further.

10:05pm – Caroline asks if anyone can suggest a way to get Danielle to go away and asks if they think she should go talk to her, saying that she’s not going to chase her or yell. The idea is for them to stay out of Danielle’s life and they will avoid Danielle, but she needs Jacqueline to make sure Ashley stays away.

10:07pm – Caroline texts Danielle right there at the table.

10:08pm – Over at Danielle’s house she tells her daughters that Caroline just texted her. She tells the camera that she changed the women’s names to “Do Not Answer.” That doesn’t change her having your number.
Her daughters don’t think she should go. Danielle, of course, thinks that Caroline’s heady for thinking that she can end things between them.

10:09pm – If you don’t want anything to do with them, then why are you worried about the language of her proposal. Of course, she’s going to go because she says she’s tougher than she was at the reunion when Caroline called her garbage and Danielle just took it. Then she says matriarch like half a dozen times. Someone got a word-a-day calendar!

10:14pm – Ashley’s with Jacqueline and Chris. They’re laying down the law with Ashley. Let’s see how she takes this. I’m guessing like a vapid, spoiled asshole. Let’s watch…
10:15pm – Of course, Ashley says she’s annoying, that she doesn’t care and makes childish similes (Danielle’s like herpes and shit). This girl needs to be locked up.

10:16pm – Chris straight up asks her to promise that she won’t communicate with Danielle anymore. We don’t see her respond, just looking like a jack ass.

10:17pm – Danny’s over at Danielle’s again. She’s cleaning out–“purging”–her house (her word not mine) and tells him that Caroline wants to meet up. Danielle says that Caroline put them up to chasing her around the country club. This broad is seriously paranoid. She’s convinced that Caroline is some kind of mastermind pulling everyone’s strings. Danny actually sounds like the voice of reason saying that he doesn’t think that anyone had to put Teresa up to chasing her.
10:20pm – “I don’t think like crazy thinks.” – Danielle HAHAHAHAHA

Danny says that she needs to go in knowing what can happen. Then Danielle says she won’t be going to this meet up alone.

10:21pm – Caroline’s talking with Lauren and Albie and Lauren asks why she’s even bothering. Caroline says that she needs to at least try to put a stop to all this craziness.

Bravo’s really telegraphing the idea that this will be the last interaction between anyone from Caroline’s family or friends and Danielle, which translates into her getting bounced from the show. I’m guessing it was an “us or her” type situation and Bravo went with the ones who are actually likable.

10:26pm – Before going to meet up with Caroline, Danielle calls her energist to help her deliver her message in a very dignified way. The missus and I both snickered at this.
How can you possibly trust someone who says they can sense your energy over the phone?

10:27pm – Danielle says she’s got a “mafia” in place for this meeting. Where the hell did Danielle get a driver AND a bodyguard? He looks like he couldn’t give less of a shit about any of this nonsense.

Now she’s saying that there will be guys with guns there. What the hell? That’s a threat, right?

10:28pm – Caroline got a private room for the event. Danielle walks in, Caroline’s already

They cut to the Brownstone where everyone else is waiting to hear how things went between Caroline and Danielle. Way to play out the drama Bravo. Jeez. Whoa, Chris drinks Coke and red wine together?
10:29pm – Albert straight-up says that if it wasn’t for Ashley, he wouldn’t have been okay with Caroline going. Haha, then Jacqueline goes on a litany of Danielle’s former legal troubles. Hey, the point is to not talk about her anymore! Ashley tells her to stop and Jacqueline gets pissed.

10:30pm – Ashley gets up and walks away after Jacqueline says that she deserves to be punished. Jacqueline goes after her. I’ve got to say, I’m kind of on Ashley’s side this one time. She just wanted to get away.

Haha, Chris tells Ashley’s boyfriend that he needs to talk to her about being immature.

10:32pm – Now Lauren’s trying to get Ashley to come back to dinner. Lauren’s got a good head on her shoulders. Ashley heads back up with Lauren. Her boyfriend even tries to talk to her about calming down!

I’m calling bullshit on Bravo for stretching this out so awkwardly, though I understand that the Ashley stuff wouldn’t have been interesting after the meet-up stuff.

10:36pm – We’re back at the Brownstone, still no word about Caroline and Danielle. Albert jokes that she might have been pistol whipped and tied up. I would actually be super-worried if the missus went to a dinner like that. Oh, this was just one of those quickie interludes during commercials.

10:40pm – Now we’re jumping back to Danielle getting to the restaurant. Caroline says she appreciates Danielle coming out. She’s being super nice and calm. Caroline says that she’s tried to stay out of Danielle’s life and that she can’t control the other women.
So far it’s okay. But it’s tense. Caroline says she’s tired of it all and wants to basically squash things.

10:41pm – Then Caroline says that she doesn’t understand why Danielle is pressing the issue with Ashley because Danielle had a similar experience.

10:42pm – Now Danielle’s talking, saying that Ashley did something wrong and illegal. Danielle says she thinks Ashley needs to be punished.

Danielle doesn’t get the connection between her younger self being in trouble then and Ashley being in trouble now.

10:44pm – Caroline pushes Danielle to answer what Caroline and her family have done to Danielle. Danielle doesn’t answer and asks what she has done to Caroline. Caroline says that anything happening to her family is happening to her.

10:45pm – Danielle is just yammering and not answering any questions. Caroline brings up Danielle bringing a posse to the Brownstone and calling her son names. Danielle says that she can’t be held responsible for other people. But aren’t you holding Caroline responsible for the actions of others? This woman is insane.

10:47pm – Danielle keeps asking why Caroline can judge her. Caroline calls her a clown and says her whole life is a joke. Damn. “No matter what you do, you will not hurt me.” – Caroline. “When I called you garbage I meant that you were garbage.” – Caroline. Then Caroline says to have a nice life. Danielle gets up and walks out. She is a clown.

10:48pm – Danielle leaves, pulls out her phone and starts complaining to her driver. He doesn’t give a shit about your nonsense.

10:49pm – “I came here with good intentions. She is blank, she is soulless.” – Caroline explaining why she stopped bothering trying to get through to Danielle.

Danielle’s yammering to another bodyguard who doesn’t give a shit. She does get a good dig in at Teresa saying that her kids wore lace when they were young, her dog wears leopard, but also calls Albert a drunk and Jacqueline certifiable. What?

10:53 pm – Danielle returns home and introduces her daughters to the bodyguard and the driver. She wants them to thank the men for keeping her sage, even though they didn’t do anything. She makes the youngest hug the bodyguard! That’s a good lesson, make sure to hug strange men who do you favors! Also, what were they doing when mom walked in?
Now they’re doing the quick recap things about Danielle and her daughters.

Christine’s still modeling. Jillian’s “pursuing a recording career.” Right.

Danielle’s working on a tell-all and has had a sex tape come with a strange man out from Hustler.

10:55pm – Caroline gets back to the Brownstone and tells them what went down.
Jacqueline’s saying she’ll never forgive Danielle for what she did to her and her family.

Caroline tells the family, especially Ashley, that if anyone goes back to Danielle, she did what she could.

10:57pm – Whoa, Ashley straight-up apologizes to her mom.
Ashley plead guilty and paid a fine, but the judge threw out the harassment charges.

Jacqueline’s trying to lose baby weight and is still friends with Kim G. Chick doesn’t learn.

Teresa’s cookbook came out. Joe and her are bankrupt, but she still says her house isn’t in foreclosure.

Albie graduated from the police academy and wants to return to law school.

Chris (Caroline’s son) wants to open his stripclub/carwash still.

Lauren’s still dating Albie’s friend.

Caroline says she wouldn’t change her family or trade them for anyone.

Albert cut back on his hours, Caroline hasn’t seen Danielle since the dinner.

Well, that’s that until the reunion next week!

One thought on “Jersey Housewives “The Heads Of Family Will Roll”

  1. The red wine and coke thing is weird! I remember when Caroline went out to lunch with her two sisters who haven’t been on the show, and one of them ordered a similar drink. She said it was an Italian thing, so I guess that’s why I’ve never heard of it.

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